Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Throughout my life, there has always been some sort of stress, tension, or drama. It seemed to follow me, and you know, I probably egged a lot of it on. There was always something going on, kind of like a storybook. I didn't like it, really, but I was going about the wrong way to try and end it. I've lost a lot of people I thought were my friends; betrayal, mistrust, misunderstandings, and even the drama itself caused a lot of them to leave. I don't blame them for leaving, really, but a lot of them became bitter and my reputation began to go downhill. Of course, I'm not a victim- I probably caused a lot of it, though sometimes I didn't really understand why some things happened in the cases where I was a victim. Most of the time I try to give it some time and reconcile with the person- While friends may be out of the question, why couldn't we just not hate one another? I remember all the good times we may have had, the happy memories we shared. I wanted them back. A lot of times I would apologize even if the other person was the one who betrayed me, just so that we could have peace. And I meant my apologies as well. It's only ever worked about twice.
After Racecar passed, I realized that throughout my life, he was teaching me a lesson in kindness and happiness. That little mental cat was probably wiser than I, and certainly was in the subject of peace. I'm doing a lot of things in memory to him. I'm writing a book about him in hopes of getting it published, I will be donating money to find a cure for the illness he suffered from, naming everything I can after him. Probably the most important thing, to me, that I will be dedicating to him is a new personality. I don't want to participate in drama anymore. I don't want to hate people- Even if they've blamed me for murder, I don't want to hate them. It's not completely settled in yet, this personality. Sometimes I do slip up, but it inspires me to do better in future cases. I aspire to have a 'perfect' personality through showering people with nothing but kindness and advice. No, I don't aim to be a doormat, I will still stand up for what I believe in, but in a more peaceful manner.
While there are a lot of people out there who dislike me and would like to ruin my reputation and say mean things about me, I'm not going to be mean or instigate anything. Instead, I'll just try my best to win people over with kindness and love and be true to it for as long as I live. I made this decision a while back and I'm trying my best to keep to it, and I've been pretty good about it, save for a misunderstanding at one point in which I promptly apologized. I just want everyone to know that I am a nice person and aspire to continue being so.
It's a long road to this 'perfection', but I would like to invite everyone to walk it with me. We really do need less hate and more love in this world. My drama-free life has been better for me and I have more time to do things to better my body and soul without dark clouds looming over me. I think it's a change that everyone needs to experience at least for a little while.